Monday, July 23, 2012

dear wyatt >> real life

well little mister, we had our first national tragedy since you were born this last weekend. another reminder of how fragile this life is, and how every day is one giant blessing. we've experienced some pretty horrific things over the years, and i know, as sad as it is to admit, this one won't be the last. you have to know, that even though these absolutely insanely sad things happen across the globe, this world is also a wonderful and beautiful place. it's important to me that you grow up wearing a few different pairs of glasses - a couple of different styles that will sit beside your rose colored aviators. you'll experience moments in your life where you will feel blessed beyond words, searching for a new amazing word to describe just how happy you are. but you'll get thrown for a loop here and there sometimes too, wondering why and how. it's a lesson i am not looking forward to you learning, sweet boy. but it's the reality in which we live in.

it was different this time. watching the news and the heartbreak that came along with the movie theatre shooting in colorado, took me to a place i've barely let myself go to since you were born. i teeter on the edge of picturing life without you because my heart simply can't take the thought. but as i watched those parents share the stories that came along with losing their children, i couldn't help but empathize in a way i never had before. i felt a part of my heart break for them on friday night. i just watched them, wondering how they could even find words to speak knowing they would never see their child again. how that hurt would just take me over and how i'd want to hide under a rock and never come out. it was just another reminder of how this crazy love we feel for you is more powerful, intense, and protective than we could have imagined. 

as much as i wish i could put you in a bubble and push you around with me everywhere i go, just to protect you from the outside, i know that i can't let my crazy take over. the scary things will happen, and as much as i want to protect you and keep you from all of things around us that we simply can't control, i want you to live and love life. 

i want you to tell your story. 

even if that means adding a few chapters in there for me... perhaps one called "my mom froze time" and "i now have a micro-chip". 


Friday, July 13, 2012

a letter to a memorable flight attendant

Dear Michael,

I know you are a trained flight attendant. Good for you. I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I was to hop your flight today. You greeted me with the news that in fact your flight did not have wi-fi as advertised and that my tiny carry on would be taken below due to limited over head space. Glad I went through the hassle of squeezing my liquids into a sandwich sized zippy for security. Flying across the country has turned into one of my all-time favorite things since becoming a mom. I actually look forward to lugging an extra-large breast pump bag with me. I know it looks great on me. Almost as great as those black orthopedic shoes you’re wearing right now. It’s super fun for me to sit in this window seat too, a seat that makes it extremely convenient for me to get to the bathroom from. I always count down the minutes before I have to tap the leg of the snoring man next to me, who has to nudge the comfortably seated 85 year old grandma next to him, just so I can awkwardly maneuver myself out to the aisle with the bag I know so many women watching are envious of. As if that wasn’t fun enough, I now get to walk into a space fit for a 4 year old that half the plane has already wiped in today. Once inside, it’s thrilling to coordinate all of my “equipment” too. The options of where to set things down is endless. I’ve got a sink the size of a measuring spoon, and a counter space smaller than the one in Barbie’s dream house. I am happily standing on used toilet paper, while I watch myself in the mirror do things only farm animals probably look forward to more. Living it up in here, my friend, is the high light of my day. Oh wait, that came when you pounded on the door twice to tell me that there was a long line outside the door waiting to get in there. Michael, I know intuitively you have to be thinking I’m having too good of a time. I’m obviously enjoying the smell of forced freshener, all that “space”, and fluorescent lighting a little too much. I get it. It’s an easy place for your brain to go. My bad for thinking you saw the gigantic bag I took in the bathroom with me. I must be the first woman to ever have to pump on “your” plane. It wasn’t at all embarrassing for me to come out of the bathroom, only to face the group of people you shouted at me in front of. You’re authority and instincts are really something.

And to think, all those nerves I had around pumping on a plane for nothing, all thanks to you. Wear those wings proud, Michael. I can tell, even in the short time we’ve known each other, you understand the needs of your customers and just what to do to make them feel right at home.

No need to thank me for my choice to fly with you today. The pleasure was all mine.

Respectfully Yours,

Sunday, July 8, 2012

dear wyatt >> crazy 8

hey little monkey, another month has passed us already. "wyatt time" is seriously crazy. it goes by faster than i ever expected. you are doing so many fun things now.

  • you are sitting up like a pro and practically crawling as of this week - scooting head first to get where you need! you haven't quite made the connection that keeping your knees and shoulders up at the same time is the real deal. you'll get there. 
  • you are making so many new sounds. as of this week, we're hearing a lot of mmm's, pa's and ba's. 
  • you are a smart cookie. you know that no means "i'm going to make my mama laugh". it's so hilarious. you may be asking yourself "why in the world am i hearing 'no' already - i'm ONLY 8 months old?" ya, well, i'll say this - the breast feeding thing is getting a bit more challenging. you like to bite down. it hurts. and you don't even have teeth yet.
  • you started clapping this weekend and it is by far my favorite thing right now. seriously adorbs. 
  • you're new bed time as of this week is 10:30. awesome. not. 
  • you are loving "solids" (still not sure why they call them this - they are practically a liquid...) and your fave's this month are bananas, carrots, and pears. i tried a new brand this week that was spinach banana pear all mixed together. mmm. mmm. (oh yah, you hate the baby food i've made myself. i gave up and moved to organic jarred baby food and i'm loving it because you are loving it. whatever works.)
  • you twiddle your thumbs a lot. when you are watching daddy use an electronic you really go to town. i noticed this week how much you love watching him vacuum, mow, and leaf blow. you watched papa like a hawk yesterday when he cut the roast beef with the electronic knife. can't wait for you to watch grandpa j weld. 
  • you can officially sleep through anything. war zone week was nothin' for you. especially on the 4th, when it was absolutely crazy town outside our window. 
  • you are such a flirt. you will flirt and charm your way out of anything. especially bedtime. 
  • you are absolutely obsessed with the dogs. you yell at them when they bark. (wonder where you get that?) and you'd do anything for them to pay you even an ounce of attention. 
  • you are loving summer time weather and being outside. you get so cozy and focused on our walks. as long as you have a binky, you're a-ok.
  • you scratch us - a lot. this week you broke skin on both mine and daddy's faces. it hurts.
  • you attack my moles like ants. it hurts. 
  • you love your grandparents so much. you have so many that love you - gramma, grammie, grampa, papa, grandma, nana, and popsie would do anything for you little guy. 
  • we had to lower the crib a few weeks back. you were starting to pull yourself up and it scared the crap out of me. you have issues with your crib. you got your thunder thigh stuck in it last night and again, it scared the crap out of me. you do that a lot.
  • you love your "puppy" that nana got you. it's the perfect little size for you. i'm pretty sure you aren't going to be much of a blankie kid. you like your stuffed animals, just like daddy did. 

we had a really good week, aside from getting sick together. it was the 4th on wednesday and we scored a pretty decent family pic out of the deal. you really make the pic. (you love what you picked out for daddy's father's day gift! that back pack is your new bff.) 

i'm leaving you this week and i'm thinking it's going to be alright. it will be the longest i've been away  (tuesday through friday) but i'm justifying it with this statement that i keep saying to myself whenever i feel myself going down the sad path: "i'm really only missing 3 hours a day with you, and even then, those 3 hours during the week tend to be a shit show because you are so crabby and done for the day." love you. 

that's all for now. we're still obsessed with you little guy. we kinda love you. like a lot. 

like a lot times infinity. 

(sometimes i picture you reading these letters when you are off at college. i wonder if it all makes sense to you when you read them. like, "oh yah, now i get it. my mom has been crazy all along." or maybe you think "what the hell is she doing right now without me home?" or "my poor dad." or "wow, she wasn't joking. she is going to be up here every weekend isn't she???" or "is it too late to go out of state?" you're screwed kid. you are 100% stuck with me. for good.) 

Sunday, July 1, 2012

feeding my soul

i've been thinking about this a lot this weekend. this whole "feeding the soul" concept. without getting all "oprah" and "chicken soupy" on you, let's go there.

i've had a lot of a-ha's (crap, oprah!) since becoming a mom. things that just didn't really make sense to me until i had a little munchkin of my own. things i respected but didn't quite relate to. i've acknowledged being a quality time kind of gal back before i got knocked up. it's only catapulted since becoming a wife, and even more since becoming a mama. it's a definite theme in my life. if i don't have quality time with the people i hold near and dear, i feel disconnected. empty. off.

when i went to college i made a really conscious decision. i was going to spend my time with the people i wanted to spend it with. i was going to spend my time doing the things i wanted to do, not the things i felt obligated to do. i was going to be friends with people because they fed my soul in some way. i was going to learn how to be alone. i was going to learn how to enjoy me. be who i wanted to be. not who i thought people wanted me to be. i struggled with this in high school. who doesn't, i guess. high school for me was about navigating around the cliques and finding common ground with people, but never wanting to draw a lot of attention to myself. i made a lot of amazing friends in high school. friends i still absolutely adore today. people that know me, love me, accept me. people who know my core. this carried me into college. i wouldn't go back to high school if you paid me a million dollars, but i would go back to my college years for free if i could. those years were so defining for me. i stayed true to who i was - for most of it. (i had a bumpy 6 months in there where i got caught up in religion [i'll save the really vulnerable details of that time for another day] and became this super over the top judgmental version of myself. that i'd skip if i could, but i can't. instead i've owned it, learned from it, and moved on.) i look back on my college years and think about all the people i met and all of the people that contributed to it being so amazing. meeting myself  in there was probably the most rewarding. my soul (and my gut) was full and fat in college. i learned what it felt like to feel that way. the only care i had in the world was getting to class on time, meeting up with my cronies at starbucks for hours on end, making plans to meet up at poppe's, passing whatever math class i was barely getting through, and what to eat for dinner - lemon grass thai food, haagen chinese food, pizza pipeline, or mac n' cheese. oh bellingham, how you fed me both figuratively and literally.

fast forward (and skip another 2 year stint of losing myself... man, owning it in here feels pretty good actually...) to today. my life is obviously so much different than my "wild and free" college years. but i have found new ways to feed my soul. i know, based off the posts i've shared the last 8 months, this won't come as a surprise. time with my little family feeds my soul. seeing my little guy light up when he sees that both mama and daddy are home to cuddle him on saturday mornings is what i call, well, the better than warm chocolate cake. i love his morning face, his little breath. i love hearing ty talk to him in the morning. and kiss him. i love the feeling of doing nothing but being together.

i feed my soul in other ways too - like spending time with just ty. the two of us together, reminiscing on how we met, what our life together so far has meant to us, and day dreaming about what is to come. i love spending time with my mama, laughing at the hilarity of trying on bras together, for instance. or spending time with my dad and trev. usually getting laughed at the whole time, but perfection none the less. or spending time with my sweet girlfriends - the one's that love me for me and have seen me through some thickness AND thinness. pun intended.

we all have to find it - the feeding-of-the soul "it" that drives us. makes us feel whole again. i know i'm a lucky chick. i know to some i may sound like the corniest, chicken soupiest girl out there. it doesn't really matter though to those that know the "it" i am talking about. it could be anything. but whatever you do, find it and own it. everything else just falls into place when you do.

am i right, or am i right? or am i right? right, right, right. (groundhogs day anyone?!)

on the wyatt-front, he's less than 5 days away from being 8 months old. dying here. i'll post his 8 month letter on friday!

happy sunday peeps.

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