we've celebrated two 1st birthdays in the last couple of weekends and at both parties, i found myself holding back tears as we sang "happy birthday". thinking back to one year ago and remembering the first time i met these two little 1 year olds, and all of the emotions i felt in those moments came flooding back to me. it was like i saw a flip book of their lives and then of course, i couldn't help but think about how much has changed in the last 12 months. one year ago, i was about 6 weeks away from meeting this brand new little life that changed mine in such a big way.
a year ago i was clueless. i was excited, optimistic, and a little scared. well, a lot scared. i can remember that i hadn't yet started our birth classes and had some doubts about attempting natural child birth. i was tired, in only a way a childless pregnant woman knows. ( i say this because i have absolutely NO idea how women go through a pregnancy with a baby or a toddler.) i found confidence in the unknown. i was insecure because of it as well. i tried to live in the moment my entire pregnancy, but i can remember that at about this point a year ago, i was focused on work. i wanted to leave things wrapped up in a perfect bow. i had a hard time imagining being able to just "shut work off" because well, i never had before. i had so many questions that were unanswered, so many expectations for myself, and so many hopes and dreams for that little perfect person inside me.
i was absolutely no way ready for what was about to happen to my life, but the best thing about that is knowing there is absolutely no way in hell anyone really can be. you can prepare for what you think it might be, but there really is no way of knowing how you will feel, what you will think, and what becoming a mother really means. (there's also some things NO ONE tells you because they block that shit out and / or the adrenaline protects the brain from remembering! i happen to recall quite a few of those things -- perhaps i'll write a blog on that later -- "what they don't tell you about childbirth!") i love thinking about how much i've changed and grown as a person when i see myself in those pictures. i love thinking about the friends in my life that are about to experience this for the first time too. you are all going to be the most amazing mamas. i've known most of you for at least half my life and have truly enjoyed watching you prepare for what's to come. continue to cherish this time, and trust me when i say, it really does just get better and better. trust your bodies, and even more importantly than that, trust in who you are - you have so much to offer that little life inside you.
i found this little gem of a picture. this was taken at 6am on 11.11.11. i remember thinking how big his head looked (and how huge my boob was pouring out the side of my shirt). of all the things you feel after childbirth, sexy is not one of them. case in point. (as if you needed someone to tell you that.) but you are happy.
and deliriously tired.
and in need of a shower because you are sticky and smell like spit up.
and probably wearing a diaper, just like your baby.