i am marching to the beat of a new drum these days. ever since i found out i was pregnant almost 19 months ago, i've carried around this guilt. it's heavy, it's dark, and it weighs me down. when i first found out i was knocked up, i'd feel guilty about the drinks i consumed before i knew i was preggo. then i'd feel guilty about the fried food i'd eat, or how my poor puppies would be impacted by a new baby. once wyatt was born, i'd feel guilty in the moments of absolute exhaustion. i'd feel guilty in the moments i didn't enjoy it all more. then i found myself back to work, feeling guilty when i was there and away from wyatt. then as if i wasn't hard enough on myself, i'd feel guilty when i was at home and not online.
i drew a line about a week ago. in all honesty, i don't have freaking time to feel guilty. i can only do my best. and my best has to be good enough. and if it's good enough for me, it's gotta be good enough for everyone else. i'm in pursuit to living a guilt free life. and it started 7 days ago.
and i've never felt better.
it doesn't happen over night, but i'm getting there. old habits die hard.
on wednesday night, i left a work event a little early. i had missed bedtime with my sweet boy two nights in a row and i needed to try to get home in time to see him before he went down. i felt bad leaving a fun group of people that night but knew in my gut i needed to get home. when i came in the house, i could hear wyatt upstairs in the tub - my favorite part of the bedtime routine. when i walked in the door and saw him, he looked humungous and happy to see me. i ate dinner outside the tub and fed him bits of the chicken from my salad while he splashed around and showed off for ty and i. i drifted in and out of the moment though, feeling guilty that i wasn't with work. then guilty for thinking about it. once we got little guy out of the tub and downstairs for a little more play time, things took a turn.
within a few minutes of being downstairs, wyatt took his first real steps in front of ty and i. it was the best moment. it's this little video that keeps playing in my head over and over. not only because it was the cutest thing i'd ever seen, but because it was in that moment that i knew.
i was right where i was supposed to be.
this pursuit won't be easy, but i'm going to rid myself of the guilt and trust that i'm right where i am supposed to be, wherever that is. and most importantly trust my gut.
and not feel guilty for it.
wish me luck.