it's honesty time. i know that part of this post is going to be real, and part of it is going to be hormonally challenged - like, stop being so hard on yourself already lady. but that's the honest part. it's what goes through this mind of mine these days. it's real stuff. it's probably a little dramatic. oh well. sue me.
last time i was pregnant, i wrote a letter a week to wyatt. i also wrote a blog post a week to him or about him the entire time i was on maternity leave. and if i remember correctly, i think for practically the first year of his life. did i seriously do that? holy f, i had some time on my hands. or i made the time.
apparently now, things are a bit different. this pregnancy has been a bit like riding one of those mechanical bulls. up, down, bumpy, sideways, a bit embarrassing, a lot unpredictable, anything but modest, and it makes you or makes you feel like you want to/need to puke your brains out. it comes with a hangover, and usually a pretty sore bod.
that's been me for about 25 weeks. good times. and it wasn't like this with wyatt. at least, i don't remember it this way. i know it was different. hello. i didn't come home to a second job every night when i was pregnant with him. i'd come home to a job - but it wasn't work. the job description consisted of eating, going pee, drinking water, laying on the couch, having a snack, going pee, getting a foot rub, going pee, and reading my US weekly before i conked out against a mound full of pillows while getting my back rubbed. poor me. not.
this time, i come home to my munchkin butt, who runs me ragged for the next 2.5 hours. by the time he's in bed, i am too. i catch up on a few texts, post a couple of pics on instagram, eat something that doesn't make me want to hurl, and hit the sack. i probably say about 2 full adult sentences to my husband every evening, trying hard to make them not work related. if it's a good night, i might talk to my mom on the phone. or sit on the couch with ty and actually ask him about HIS day. imagine that.
i've been waiting for that second trimester second wind thing... yah, not so much. i don't think that really happens with round 2. i think all of that energy is saved up for my little guy, and thank God for that. that's when i need it. i try hard after work to be present. to love on him, and not count down the minutes until bed time. that's hard. and i feel guilty writing that. but it's the truth. i am trying to have perspective and tell myself that if i think it's hard now, it's only going to be worse (not forever) when little chicky poo arrives. and there it is again - the guilt.
it's hard to rationalize when you are pregnant. your hormones don't really allow for that. makes for a lot of fun inner dialogue. but, i do know that with all of this bull riding, life is good. i am blessed. and i am doing exactly what i should be and want to be doing - creating our family. it's what ty and i were made to do. our marriage is the center of this thing - and i am one lucky knocked up chick. ty is the rock of this crew. the steady eddie. my solid. he is the one that reminds me why i am tired. why i feel not exactly like myself. or feel fatter than i did last time. he always knows just what to say, when to say it, how to say it.
i continue to live for the weekends - to make up for the 5 days of not really being present.... to reflect on my family - and how it has and will evolve. i do try to dedicate the moments before i fall asleep to my little girl. i can feel her sweet little kicks and movements - and i picture how she's positioned and what she likes to do in there. who she is and who she will become. how she will so shape and complete our family. how lucky i am to have a little girl in there. to have a daughter someday. to know, that i might be so lucky to have a friend in her - just like the friendship my mom and i have.
i may not have as much time to enjoy the moment, while preparing for what's about what's to come, but i do my best. balance is an impossible thing. i've learned that and i'm OK with it.
it's not about finding balance. it's about creating my own version of it.
and replacing those moments of guilt, with moments of peace.