Sunday, June 16, 2013

speed up, slow down, speed up...

never have i felt so torn. i want time to speed up, just as badly as i want it to slow down. this age, 19 months, is pretty much perfect. i know i say that every month, but i am in love with my bug and every little thing he is doing these days. he's learning every second of every day. such a little sponge. he tries to say so many words. he's naming things (i.e. his binky is "gingkee" - and as scared as i am that he is now naming this thing, it's seriously the cutest thing when he says it. bad, bad, bad.), he watches us like hawks, he has a sense of humor... the list goes on and on. i am in love with him. obsessed. psychotic really.

it's hard sometimes knowing that things are going to change so much in no time. i mean, we're 6 weeks away from my due date. 6 weeks. and i am so ready to not be pregnant anymore and meet our baby girl. beyond ready. i look at wyatt's little face and it's hard knowing he's going to share our center. at the same time, i can't worry about any negative impact that might have because let's get real - people have second babies all the freaking time. having siblings is a true blessing and i know wyatt is going to be such an amazing big brother. i base this on how he's been with his buddies, and the dogs lately. so interested, and curious, and happy to see them. i think (i hope) he's too little to really notice the shift that will happen around him has anything to do with SJ. i know he will love her. i can already hear myself saying "gentle hands" to him a million times a day as he tries to cozy her. that is when my heart will explode, knowing how badly he wants to show her love.

what's odd to me is this whole concept of your heart just "expanding" when you have a second baby. i feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest already. how in the world can it possibly get any bigger than it already is? i can't wait for that feeling. when i finally say, "ah, i get it" just like i did when i had wyatt. i get the crazy moms out there that would do anything for their kiddos. the mama bears. i am one.

this pregnancy has gone relatively fast, largely because of my busy toddler that constantly has me enamored (and running around exhausted might i add). it's been hard too. (a little scare this weekend put things into perspective -- thought she wasn't moving like normal friday night and into saturday morning. tried eating and drinking milk, then OJ, tried music, and laying down and continued to wait for my sweet girl to bounce around, but notta... we called our midwife and she thought it would be best for us to go to the hospital and do a quick non-stress test. i'd like to say i was calm and not worried, but i would be lying. i was scared. but the moment we heard that perfect heartbeat, i knew everything was fine. most importantly, i knew i needed to relax. and to put things in perspective. my health, her little well being are more important than many of the things i've worried about lately. done.)

i can't wait for her to be here. in my arms, pink bodied, cold nosed. i can't wait to tell her "happy birthday" and for her to hear me say how much i love her. i can't wait to look around the room and lock eyes with the people that got me through it all. i can't wait to not be in labor anymore. oh man. not sure why, but the idea of doing that again is freaking me out a bit. i know i can do it. and i know how incredibly worth it all is when i am done. how crazy empowered and in love i feel - with my new babe, with my husband, and simply - life in general. life doesn't get better than that moment. true, raw, genuine happiness. the realest there is. the best. that's my motivation. i'm also really hoping things go fast and that i have another "beetlejuice" experience (i.e. no ring of fire, and when her head pops out, i feel like it was a mini head... like i did with wyatt). pray for me.

i've been thinking a lot about delivery day. and i can't not think of that day and picture my best friend there. annie has been apart of every big moment of my life. she just so happens to be due with her little man 6 days before i am due with sj. 6 days. you read that right. so the odds are interesting here. it just feels like one of us will miss one of the births. but, let us pray. again.

so many things on this mind of mine. i feel like i could write forever. slow down time, let me enjoy these moments. but Good Lord, speed up so i can no longer feel like an energy-less, moody, sensitive, large and in charge, beached whale.

the end.
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