Saturday, July 27, 2013

mini bucket list

i think this could be the last time i have "just me at home" time for quite some time. ty took wyatt to a car show and i am home. waiting. waiting for any sign of summer's arrival. so far, notta. i will say i have checked a few things off my mini "before SJ" bucket list though as i've waited.

things like...

1. laid back mornings with my little guy. mornings that start around 6am but are made up of cozy toddler morning eyes, holding his blanky in the middle of our bed. i love watching him drink his bottle, to the sound of a fan and sound machine. he's been loving watching "beebee" in bed, which is his way of asking to watch his 1 year slide show. the first time he watched it a couple of weeks ago, i balled and balled. now it's safe to say i am immune to it and can easily respond, tearless, as he points out "mama", "dada", "beebee" and "cacton" (which is his bff, paxton).

2. best friend pregnant time with annie. we got time together on sunday and tuesday, right before she went into labor on wednesday. it really was just what i needed. a few more chats about whats to come, a few pep talks for each of us, reminiscing about this dream come true of being pregnant together, and some gripes about it too. we even squeezed in one more prenatal appointment, together with dumond which we are sure brought her labor on. (the last time we all went to a baby appoinment together, she went into labor at 2am with ali du. this time i started at 1am.)

3. seeing annie bring life into this world, exactly how she wanted. she beautifully and naturally delivered her sweet boy on the most gorgeous day, july 24th. it was a moment i wouldn't, couldn't, miss. i am so proud of her and so inspired and amazed by her strength. she made it look so easy. i'm honestly freaking out about doing it again, but it's because of her that i know i can. it was a true gift to be there.

4. some much needed quiet time with ty. good conversations over nap time have been so nice. we even had an uninterrupted at home lunch together yesterday that i loved every second of. it's been nice to talk about what's to come, how prepared/not prepared we are. what we think it might be like, how we'll support each other, what we might not expect. lots to think about, and plan for. but not a lot we can really do at this point, but wait. together.

5. play dates with the stookey's - i'm so beyond grateful to have the most amazing friends that also happen to live right next door to us. paxton is wyatt's bestie and being that they are 6 weeks apart, they are hilarious together. we've been able to squeeze in a few of these and i'll tell ya one thing - it definitely helps to have this sanctuary to go to when you are fully cooked. lisa is also pregnant which makes for an even better time. love these friends beyond words.

at this point, i feel like she's never going to come. i really feel like i might be pregnant forever. you see, i didn't go this long with wyatt. i never got to this place. this mental place of "seriously, i am STILL pregnant????". i am not overdue yet. but in my mind i am because i already went by this point last time. my water broke out of the blue with him, completely caught me off guard. now i am just waiting. anticipating. i'm anxious. i'm ready. as ready as i will be.

any day now. tick tock little girl. i can't wait to meet you. see that face. kiss those cheeks. wrap you in my arms as i thank each and every star in the sky that it's over. you are out, and i can breath again for the first time in 9 months.

that's all.

Saturday, July 6, 2013


we're creeping up on 37 weeks along, and for some reason i'm feeling more at peace today than i have this entire pregnancy. so interesting. it's a gorgeous day, my sweet baby boy is napping, and i'm outside alone with my laptop. i have already squeezed a nap in of my own today, along with an ice cream bar. seriously, the ice cream bars. i know that this ridiculous "need" for ice cream on a daily basis is going to have to cease. i can't continue on like this for long. the ice cream bars, the cinnamon toast crunch, the menchies, the ben & jerry's, the cookies have been such dear friends the last few weeks especially. oh how i'll miss thee.

oh and the black beans. i eat so many fricking beans. you. can. imagine. right? (poor ty.)

it really is such a gorgeous day. i can feel myself getting more and more ready for change. a change of pace is just around the corner - and while it will be crazy and wild and stressful at times (most of the time?), it will be time spent at home, time spent with my littles. my littles. plural. what?! i am going to have kids. not just one, but two. kids. plural.

sometimes i find myself really taking it all in. we've been this party of three for 20 months now - 20 months today, actually. 20 months ago, i was just getting into active labor. annie and my mom had just gotten here, ty was packing the cooler, and the room was spinning around me. i couldn't sit still through contractions. i can remember having annie or my mom go upstairs to get my face wash. i had makeup on, and i could just feel it smearing down my face with every wave. or rush. whatever it is i am supposed to think of contractions like... i could barely wash my face, the contractions seemed so close together. i was inside my head, but for one brief second every now and again, i'd open my eyes to screen the room to see what was going on around me. life was going on around me, and it was all happening. i can remember my water breaking and going through the day not really "getting it". i was about to have a baby. life was about to change. i just didn't really realize how much.

this time, i feel like i realize how much life is going to change. i think what i might be doing though is underestimating how much it won't. i'm hoping that the moment i see our girl, i feel that feeling of total completeness. like, "ok - here she is. here's our girl. she completes our family." and we go home, we see wyatt and hug him and kiss him and love him. he meets summer, and he smiles. he smiles big. he is proud. i hope i see that little smirk that's been melting me these days. the smirk that tells us he's feeling pretty big time. i want it to just be us. the four of us. i don't want him to feel overwhelmed, or shy.

we saw a family on the 4th of july. the dad was sitting with his little girl, and the mom was wearing a brand new little girl. she looked so incredibly tiny. wyatt kept pointing and saying "be bee" "be bee" "be bee" and we'd acknowledge that there was in fact a baby over there. what's funny is he didn't even see the newborn wrapped so tightly against her mama. he was completely and utterly amused by the little girl. as we left, we said hello to the family. what do ya know, the little girl was exactly 20 months old, and that teeny tiny newborn was 2 weeks old. of course, i had to immediately ask, "so how is that going for you?" her response, "actually really good. so much better than i thought. it can be done. trust me." oh lady, you don't even know how badly i needed to hear you say that. she went on to say that she might have played it up in her head a bit too much. worried more than she needed to. that it all works itself out.

i'm choosing to trust this lady i don't know. because i need to.

which brings me to today. my peaceful perfect saturday. one of the last before we meet our little chicky poo. i've been spending every night in the tub, reading my Ina May books. those dang birth stories get me every time. this time, i feel like i really know what these ladies are talking about when they describe their experiences. the rushes, the panic, the empowerment, the trust, the love.

the joy. i can't wait to feel that pure joy, knowing that i am done with the hardest thing i've ever done and that the little person i've loved but never met is here and in my arms. the natural high that compares to nothing.

that moment that is everything.

those moments. plural. meeting my littles are those moments.

today i remember, life is about those moments that are everything. the moments that compare to nothing.

ty sent this to me not that long ago. this was on his phone, the first picture he took after wyatt was born.
i may have two chins (just goes along with the plural theme), but i love everything about it.
the candles in the back ground, the flash light i know my mom is holding, his little face and that cry.
that strong, healthy, cry i had been longing to hear.
but dude, those chins... 

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