Monday, August 26, 2013

my first

there's something about your first baby, and i know that now. of course there is something about your second too - and i'm sure your third, fourth and fifth if you are so lucky (or crazy - whichever you prefer). but my first made me a mama. wyatt has paved the way and shaped me into the person i am today, the mom i always wanted to be. i know this now, more than ever. he brought new meaning to an already pretty amazing life - making it amaze balls, you know, the infinity of amazing. he's my "big kid" now. a big boy. and it really feels like it just happened overnight. maybe because it did. on august 6th, he was the only baby i knew. my little guy. my bambino. my monkey. on august 7th, he was brand new to me again. he was bright eyed, and more ready than i knew to be a big brother. i will never forget that moment where he saw his sister for the first time. the moment that defined our family of four. this meeting made it real. and oh how sweet it was. and it's already been (2 days shy of) 3 weeks, and the excitement he has and the love he shows to summer is just as fresh as it was that first moment. i know that when these two have their tough moments over the years, i'll look back on that first morning where it was us, on the bed. me holding both my littles, while ty took pictures and videos of this time we had imagined for the 10 months prior. i'll remember my heart. and how full it was. how i had never seen that smile on wyatt's face before. and at the same time, i knew mine had never been bigger or more real. i was so proud. i didn't care that i had slept for an hour, or that my whole body ached from awkwardly pushing my girl out in the bath tub only 6 hours before. or how my lady parts felt elephantitis-ish. or that my hair looked like dreads. or that my gut was out - loud and proud. or that i hadn't brushed my teeth for well over 24 hours. none of that mattered because i had my sweet boy, my little lady, and a husband that is a true partner - in every sense of the word.

i've had about 21 days to take this all in, and i feel like i'll need the next 21 years to digest this life we've created. i feel like nothing really reminds you of how fast times goes until you have kids. the change in them every day is this constant reminder to cherish every stage of their life because before you know it, they don't need you (like this) anymore.

i'm a sappy mama tonight, who loves her life and... who hasn't taken her placenta pills. i'm grateful to be here, living and soaking this time in. today was a good day, despite the every two hour wake up calls last night. it's funny how us mamas just learn to rally, isn't it? (i try very hard to not think about the fact that i probably won't get a full night of uninterrupted sleep for most likely another year.)

we're adjusting, and seeing giant strides in our big kid's ability to show love to his sister without literally strangling or suffocating her. which allows me to breath a huge sigh of relief, knowing that what every one keeps telling me has to be true:

it gets better.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

open your mind >> placenta encapsulation

about 5 minutes after annie and i found out we were going to be pregnant together, she sent me a link about placenta encapsulation. for those of you that have no idea what this is, your reaction right now is pretty much the same as mine was i'm sure... wtf is that? this isn't the exact post, but it was something like this... i read it, and my mind opened.

my post partum experience with wyatt wasn't horrible, but when i look back, it wasn't cray-cray free either. remember this post? i had my crazy moments, and when i thought about having another baby, with another baby, i knew i needed to do whatever i could to set myself up for success. i knew i wouldn't have time for any extra roller coaster rides, and if "eating" my placenta would help with that, then why the hell not? there's a reason your body and mind might take a severe crash/dip around that 4-7 day mark after you give birth. you just released one of the most nutrient rich organs from your body. an organ that has been living inside you and providing nutrition and goodness to your little person and to you. without it, your body is forced to rebalance really quickly. this is hard work - and will obviously cause you to not feel like yourself. i didn't want an extreme case of that this time. reducing the risk was really important to me.

annie and i kept it on our radar and as we got closer to the end of our pregnancies we continued to research it. as i got even closer to my due date, i learned that one of our midwife assistants at eastside did it. knowing that i had someone at the birth center that would just take my placenta away immediately after the birth, and magically turn them into little vitamins for me and return them to me within 24-48 hours sounded like a gift from God. sign me up!

less than 48 hours after summer was born, marja personally delivered my pills to me. my placenta made about 145 pills and she told me to take two, three times a day for the first two weeks and then as needed from there. as needed? what did that mean? well, i will tell you - when you feel like you are going crazy, you pop a couple of these suckers and within 30-45 minutes you instantly feel like you took an upper. i can tell that my milk supply boosts during this time, and so does my mood. they've been insanely good for me. i have felt so much better this go round. less crazy, happier, more balanced, and more energy for my little guy.

worth. every. penny. ($150 for me because i am a client at the birth center - i got a little hook up!)

my milk supply has regulated on it's own relatively easy. it also came in without me really even knowing it. i never had any engorgement issues. this might be because of pills, might be because i only went about 9-10 months not breastfeeding. (i literally got pregnant and quit nursing the same weekend i think.) i feel like i also healed "down there" a lot faster this time than last time. also a bonus when you have a toddler. you want to spend as little time "toddling" after them! i also went to my post partum check up and my uterus was already completely back to it's normal home and it's normal size. (my belly fat - not so much -- in due time!)

some argue that the verdict is still out about this whole thing, but honestly even if it's mental, taking these pills have helped me. even if it has been due to the placebo effect. i'll take it.

so, the short of it is this -- i know it sounds "gross" and "weird" but if my mental state and overall disposition is kinder, more balanced, happier, and better to be around, then i'll encapsulate "gross" and "weird" any day of the week.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

dear summer >> 10 days in

dear summer girl,

where do i even start? you are a dream come true. the sweetest girl. the most beautiful daughter. we are beyond lucky, blessed, and all the words synonymous with those. ten days in, my heart has quadrupled in size - for your daddy, your sweet brother, and of course for you.

you've been such a trooper these first few days out of the womb. it's noisy here, i know. you don't have the layers between you and this crazy house anymore, so i am sure it's been a tad overwhelming. we've got the obvious - wyatt, but then the pups, the clangs of thrown cars, uh-oh yells, frustrated toddler screams, dropped sippy cups, etc. you flinch at times, but mostly do your best to roll with the punches - sometimes literally. wyatt loves you already, he just has a tough time showing it. i know you two are going to be the best of friends someday, but right now, i am starting to wish you were born with a helmet.

you are quite the little nurser. wow, how did i get so lucky. i keep telling myself that 1. your brother was a challenge when it came to nursing and 2. my pregnancy with you was not a walk in the park so i must have earned some points there and have redeemed them in the nursing department this go round. you were a natural right from the get go. it's almost as if it was a natural instinct or something. :)

the same can be said for the sleep department. on day three you gave me my first 4 hour stretch. i've had at least a 4-5 hour stretch each night, until last night. i will take it. you are such a great sleeper. i owe you kid. thank you, thank you, thank you!

you look great in green. like, really great. it's your color, girl! of course you look fantastic in pink too, but you were born with this amazingly sweet olive skin. i could eat you. perfect skin, awesome lashes, blue eyes, you name it. perfection. i am of course your mama, and a lot bias.

we swaddle you a lot because you seem to like being burritoed up. you also seem to really like your wrap. another win! this helps a lot being the second kiddo, let me tell you. being arms free with a toddler is pretty much a must.

you seem to really love your crib, which i love because you look so dang cute and small in it. your room is so happy. i love spending time in there each day. i'm glad we went with the pink/white/gold theme. it works for you and your already developing personality!

we had your first ped appointment this week, and you're growing so much. at birth, you were albs 8.5 oz and 21 inches long. at your appointment yesterday, you were 8lbs 10oz and 21.25in long. growing girl! we also had our first family photo shoot this week and you did so awesome. we were so proud of you! 5 hours of picture taking!

it's been the most amazing 10 days. definitely challenging at times, but every day gets easier (mostly) and our love for you just gets bigger and bigger. you are the sweetest little lady. everything about you is yummy. even those mustard poops! :)

its time for you and i to get ready for bed. this consists of a diaper change, a good feeding, and a tight swaddle. here's hoping for at least three hours my love.

sleep tight angel,
your mama loves you.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

dear wyatt >> 21 months already!?

sweet bug,

you are seriously so much fun at 21 months. all of the things you are doing, learning and teaching us are to die for. i am so in love with everything about you. you were 21 months last tuesday, aug 6th. you woke up that day, having no idea that you were going to be meeting your little sister soon. i of course knew, and expected that she would be born that day. that morning i had been having contractions for about 10 hours. your daddy got you ready for school, and i cried when i looked at you knowing that the next time i saw you, you'd look like such a big boy. you will always be my baby, but you have grown up so much. and there's nothing more eye opening than seeing your "baby" next to your "infant". someday you will know what i mean by this. i already know you are going to be the most amazing daddy some day. you've been playing with your baby doll the past couple of days and my heart almost bursts out of my chest when i see you doing things to the doll that you've seen daddy and i do with your sister the past week. the other night when you first started playing with him, you put him in the swing down here that we have set up for summer. you would swing it, say "ni niiii" and put your head down into the doll. we got your stool out so you could stand on it and push the buttons on the swing that play music. you picked the baby up out of the swing, and when i looked down again, you were patting his back and tilting your head into him. already so intuitive to properly provide neck support to him. a natural already! 

i could write for days about everything you are doing right now. 

you started going to bright horizons two days a week in june and it's been so incredible seeing all of the things you have learned while there. most notably, the talking. you weren't talking much before you went but that first week, it was like a little switch turned. you started to attempt to say every word we asked you to say. you started being more chatty and trying new sounds. two months later, you are still obsessed with trucks and cars and say those words the most each day. you say (or sort of say but we know what you mean) mama, mommy, dada, paxton, jay, kids, baby, bubbles, shoes, hot, cold, hat, back pack, mammy, flag, toy, milk man, outside, up, ball, bath, balloon, puppy, cheese, wee wee (more on this later), poop, pee pee, cookie, ginkie, gankie, bye, moon, and more i am sure. these are the popular words that make up your daily vocab. i love your sweet voice. 

still totally and completely obsessed with pinwheels - "wee wee": anything with a stick that spins. this includes, pin wheels, fans of any kind, flags (which we have started to differentiate), signs, etc. your favorite pin wheel is from world market and you like us to roll all the windows down so you can watch it spin in the wind. 

you started peeing and pooping on the potty with grammy on your 21 month birthday. i haven't attempted to try this since you've actually done it since i just gave birth, but we'll try soon. 

you love to play with paxton. obsessed really. you light up when you know we are going over there. i don't think there is anything else you'd rather do than go over to the stookey's to play with him. you are so incredibly comfortable over there. you love asking for snacks. actually, you are practically signing "more" as you are walking through the front door. you love checking out what kind of snacks auntie lisa has out on paxton's table. you especially love eating blueberries and fish crackers over there. you are so giddy when you and paxton run around together. you love their toy house so much, especially the door bell. 

you love being chased - especially when you think the dogs are chasing you. they rarely are, unless you have some kind of food in your hand. you giggle and scream up the stairs, down the hall, around the kitchen island when this happens. i hold my breath most of the time waiting for you to wipe out, or clock your head on a corner somewhere. it's super relaxing for this mama :) 

you have loved this amazing weather we've had. we've had warm, hot even, sunny days since may. you've played in the water almost every day this summer. you love your pool in the back yard. especially when daddy fills it with warm water. you love your water table. ditto for all things outdoors at the stookey's. you love bubbles. love. love. love. you could watch bubbles floating in the background forever. you have the best time on swings at any park that has them. your brave and usually always attempt the slides too. 

you love bath time. i love bath time. this is the time where you settle down for the night. it's part of our nightly routine and i it's so fun to watch you and those little buns swim around in the tub. even when i was hugely pregnant, i'd sit on my ball most nights because i hated missing this part of our day. 

mexican food is your bff. you will always eat such a huge dinner if it entails beans, cheese, avacado, rice, and some kind of taco seasoned meat. you make your daddy very proud. i know he's secretly excited to share a 'rita with you someday my sweet. 

you are the most amazing little boy. i mean, really amazing. you are cool too. and funny. so silly and your sense of humor kills your daddy and i. we live for each day with you. and now we are entering into a new chapter. seeing you as a big brother, even in just a week, has really been something special. you are little obsessed with your sister. you make us so proud every day. we are lucky to know you and be apart of your special little life. always know that we get up everyday to be your mama and daddy. you're that incredible. 

love you always and always.
your mama.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Summer's Birth Story

the week leading up to where i believe this story starts could be a story in itself. if i were to write it, it would be called "being overdue sucks a fat one". but at the end of the day, none of that really matters. well, it kinda does. here's the thing about it, you know that your due date is an estimated date, based off a calculation people have used for years. but when that day approached, then passed, i felt this weird pressure to perform. like, in some way, i had control over it. people with amazing intent would check in, asking how i was feeling, if i needed anything, or my personal favorite - "where is that baby?". i knew right where she was. low, low, low in my hoo hoo. a constant, anything but cozy reminder of the road ahead. the difference with this pregnancy (one of the few trillion) was that last time i never really made it to "being done" mentally, or physically. i had added on another 2 weeks to my EDD and was OK with that. then, i was shocked when my water broke 6 days early. i never had to deal with the check in's, the pressure of being over due, or the emotional roller coaster of it all. that had a not so awesome impact on me - which of course impacted everyone around me. fun for them.

on monday, our 41 week mark, i finally woke to a sign. she was on her way. effing finally, i thought, as i glanced down at my morning pee to see a tinge of pink. holy hell, i thought, when i did a little wipearoo to see even more "evidence" on the toilet paper. i was relieved. and a little freaked out. i walked back to our bed, just as i had every day the past week, greeted with ty asking me how i was doing. each morning up until today, i'd say something along the lines of "welp, guess we got another full nights sleep". not today. "i'm bleeding a bit. things are finally happening." he was just as relieved as i was. finally, progress. the walk the night before paid off.

feel free to skip the next several paragraphs if you want to just cut to the chase of this story...

i was supposed to go to a 41 week ultrasound that day, and per this post, you can all imagine how NOT excited i was about it. i waited an hour or so and called our birth center pager line to leave a message asking if i should still go. when chris called back, she said it was totally up to me but she'd like to see what happens here first. she was comfortable with me going another few days over should we not be seeing my bloody show kicking into gear. my MIL, voni, was already on her way over so ty and i decided we wouldn't say anything specifically about seeing action, but instead would let her know our midwife suggested we give it a few more days before going to the ultrasound. i went on a long walk, visited with the stookey's and met my best girl and tate tate bean for lunch at purple cafe. it was surreal. i figured it was my last day of "that life" before my new one started, but at the same time i still felt like i was going to be pregnant forever.

that evening, contractions were sporadic and light. i went on another walk. two walks alone in one day was really good for me. we had amazing weather. it was a beautiful night. i came home, sat on my ball for a bit, and watched the bachelorette finale with ty. contractions started having a rhythm about this time - lasting about 1 minute and coming every 10 minutes on the nose. i loved that our evening was spent together watching this redic show. it was distracting and fun. ty and i were light hearted about the whole thing. i'd randomly blurt out, "are you ready to meet your daughter?!" or "this is about to get real!" or "seriously, are you ready to watch this all go down again, babe!?" by 11pm, they were a bit more uncomfortable - i'd have to pop up out of bed and stand through them. we went to bed and i was able to power through and try to sleep until about 1am. by this time, i decided to find a couch and camp out. for the entire night i slept in 9-14 min increments, with a crampy-pace-the-hall 60-90 second interlude. when ty woke up about 7:00am, we made a plan. i already had a 10am midwife appointment with chris at eastside birth center, so we planned on getting wyatt to school and heading to the appointment. last time my labor stalled with wyatt, and my midwife "swept me" (a nice way of saying completely stripping my membranes) which immediately took me into active labor. i wanted her to do that again. and i wanted to have a baby 5 hours later (or less) if i could - just like last time. completely ready to not come home until our girl was in that carseat, we planned on sticking around bellevue so we'd be close to the birth center when things got serious. we packed the cooler with champagne (obviously), peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, vitamin water and granola bars. i cried as ty got ready to take wyatt to school. could this really be it? was my little guy heading off to school, while i go and try and have a baby? it was all a little overwhelming.

it was another gorgeous morning. easily 70 degrees already at 9:30am when we hit the road. i had contractions every 7-10 minutes in the car and there was traffic. super annoying traffic. contractions and cars do not mix. contractions, cars, and traffic are explosive. we were almost to our exit after the 45 minute drive when i realized i had a voicemail from a number i didn't recognize. i listened to the voicemail, only to learn my appointment had been cancelled due to an emergency and chris would be calling to reschedule. what.the.f. i was pissed. sad. mad. defeated. my life was over. i was going to be pregnant with contractions every 10 minutes forever. this was obviously how my life was going to be now. dramatic much? yah, tell that to a 10 month pregnant emotional basket case.

wishfully thinking, we decided to stick around bellevue hoping chris would call and that we'd be able to get in after walking the park. boy, was i fun to be around. not. poor ty. i sobbed as we powered around the park. ty listened as i vented. he laughed as i snarked as people looked at me with that smile. "oh, the cute pregnant lady is trying to walk that baby out" their faces said. bite me.

we decided to get food at gilbert's. as ty ordered, i had contractions outside. i'd have to stand up through them and i'm sure people thought i was crazy out there about to have a baby. my 10 or so minute breaks left me there observing those around me. i'd get more and more annoyed with each and every one of them, as they peacefully ate their everything bagels with cream cheese, or marion berry pancakes, cramp-less, in the warm NOW AUGUST sun. i moved to another seat, in the shade and completely out of the way. but still glared at them in envy.

it was probably around 11:30am by now. and no call from chris. shoot me now.

so i texted my doula/life coach/voice of reason, kristin: "should i just expect to have contractions like this for awhile - like days? is this normal?" in other words, do i need to just accept this new life of mine, and the shitty mood i hadn't been able to shake for a couple of weeks now? i wanted my life back. i wanted to feel like me again.

my phone almost immediately rang back. "the loaded question, is it normal..." she started saying. she explained that it very well could be like this for a bit and that yes, it was normal. and that even though it feels like this is my life now, it isn't. and that once it turns the corner, things will go quickly for me. she was sure. while i understood what she was saying and appreciated it, i wanted to crumble into a million pieces right there in front of everyone at the park. i cried on the phone, she talked me through it, and ty and i decided to get in the car and head home. kristin suggested we do call the birth center first to get an idea of when i might be rescheduled as to avoid driving all the way back home just to turn around again. and that it was "OK" to be annoying if i needed to be. my frustration was validated by her, which is just what i needed to hear. we hung up and called in and the voice on the other end told me i wouldn't be able to see chris that day. i explained that i was having contractions every 10 min or so and that i needed to understand when i would see her. she didn't know and suggested i page her.

we drove home. i remember crying and apologizing to ty, explaining how badly i felt that it was going on like this. and that i wished i could do something about it. he was awesome, as usual, telling me i didn't need to apologize for anything. i was just so tired of being "this person". this tired, pregnant, grumpy, emotional, person that i had become over the past 10 months only escalated into an even worse, poltarguise version the past 7 days. i couldn't even stand being around myself another day - how in the hell could he?

we got home and i decided to take a "nap", which looked a lot like my night. up and down, up and down, every 10 min or so. ty hammered through the last bit of work stuff he had for the week. after i woke up, chris called and we decided that we'd come back to bellevue later that evening, she'd sweep me and we'd go from there. voni and dave came over after ty picked wyatt up from school.


at about 4:30pm we were on our way to the birth center. i had a few contractions in the car, but by this time i was used to this pattern. afterall, it had been close to 20 hours at this point. we had planned on meeting chris at 5:30 but she had a break in her schedule and we were already close by 5. we popped into the birth suite, and after a "good sweep" we were on our way. (when i left, i was about 2cm and 50% effaced, but i believe she said my cervix was really soft at this point.) to jimmy johns. we got dinner, i had contractions, people stared, you know the story... they were starting to come closer and were definitely stronger. we had an amazing time driving to my mom's place downtown in rush hour traffic. riiiiight...

we got to my mom's, and decided to walk the park. my mom and ty walked beside me, doing their best to read me and follow my queues i'm sure. it was such a warm night, beautiful really. by 7, we were back up in her apartment, overlooking the park. she had made the most amazing labor mix for me. every song was my favorite and i loved having that as the background for us. the contractions were about 5 min apart now, and we had been in contact with annie, chris, kristin, and jessica (our birth photographer) that things were moving along. i was very engaged in between contractions. very different than how i was with wyatt. i was vocal both during contractions and after. i was persnickety and opinionated - "i don't like this song", "no slurping your coffee when i am having a contractions", and my personal favorite - the overuse of swear words at the start of contractions indicating to ty it was time for him to start timing. around 8 or 8:30 i decided i wanted kristin to come. i needed her help and support through contractions. i was feeling nauseas and sweaty and over it. she came and i could feel things start to change. her presence indicated to me that we were in fact, doing this again. having a baby.

not long after she arrived, i got sick - "reverse digestion" is what kristin calls it i think. so yah, that... a good sign that things are moving along. i knew that, and remembered it from "last time". at this point, i was analyzing everything - every contraction (it's length, it's intensity), my body, the signs, kristin, everything - and comparing it to "last time". i used my breaks to engage with everyone, and if a break lasted "too long" in my mind, i'd decide things were slowing down. if a contraction was too short, it was a "baby contraction" and i'd question it's existence. (advice: don't do this.)

annie came soon after that and brought tate. i was so happy to see them. annie and i had worn the same skirt. i loved that. it was a funny moment really. i remember realizing that this was it - the last time i'd see her when i was pregnant and she wasn't. next time, we'd BOTH have our babes in our arms. i loved knowing that. it motivated me.

i spent most of my time in front of the sink. moaning and rocking with each contraction, while kristin rubbed my hips and rocked with me and my rhythm. i swear, i do not have rhythm any other time in my life. but when it comes to contractions, i'm like freaking shakira. my hips don't lie. or not, but you know what i mean. i cried several times in between contractions in the kitchen. i'd always turn around to her fridge, and on it are pictures of our life. trevor and i with ice cream covered faces when we were really little, cam with my grandparents, ty and i, wyatt's 5 day old pictures, recent ones of all of us. it would hit me how soon i'd be seeing pictures of my daughter on that fridge. my mom started being in charge of the wash cloths, rotating a few. she would put them in the freezer and at one point, she brought one out and it was stiff as a board. i can remember laughing - calling it out as being pretty "erect". my mom laughed so hard, it was hilarious. by 9:30 or so, i was ready for a change. whether my body was or not wasn't important to me. i asked kristin if we could go to the birth center now - i can remember saying, "i feel like once i am there, i'll really let go." kristin called chris and within a few minutes she popped back into the living room to tell us we could make our way over if we'd like. effing phew.

i was so nervous about the car ride. i couldn't imagine having contractions like this in the car. kristin reminded me that it was such a short drive (2-3 miles max i think) and that i'd maybe have two in the car. she was right. ty drove perfectly, had all the windows down and kept telling me how great of a job i was doing. when we got to the birth center, jessica was there waiting for us. it was just chris, jessica and ty and i there. when ty helped me out of  the car i immediately had a contraction. as soon as it was over, i immediately broke into tears. i sobbed for a second as i hugged him. i was happy to be at the birth center, but i think i needed an emotional release. i said out loud that i was so much more emotional this time. if i am really being honest, i would describe my entire pregnancy this time around as emotional. it was fitting.

within minutes everyone else was with us. chris had already prepared the tub and after a trip to the potty, i was in the water. i'm thinking it was maybe 10:30 or so now. it didn't feel as relieving as it did with wyatt, i thought. i wasn't as comfortable there. i remembered being so cozy in the water "last time". i analyzed my position. i didn't just fall in and into my zone like i did "last time". analyze, analyze, analyze. the candles were lit, and it was absolutely beautiful in that corner of the birth suite. annie was on top of it there, yet again. i loved the lighting in this room. i loved the faces that surrounded me. i loved the support. it was different this time. i opened my eyes a lot to look around. i liked knowing where everyone was, their placement in the room. my contractions were long and the breaks in between felt long too. giving me ample time to question where things were at. was i doing a good job? was i where i should be? (advice: don't do this.)

bottom line - i wasn't letting my monkey do it. and it made it really hard on me. and while i gave myself a hard time the first couple of days after summer's birth, i know now that every birth is different. and while i may have let my monkey do it "last time", for whatever reason i didn't this time.

it must have been around 11:45 when i heard a gasp from my mom, and "jord - your daddy's here" and as i cranked my neck around to look behind me, i saw my dad. i know some people reading this might think it's weird, or awkward to have your dad in the room when you deliver. but for me, it was just what i needed. after all, my dad has played a huge role in instilling confidence and security into me throughout my entire life. he has told me i can do anything i want. i am strong, and smart. why would i not want him there? he kept his distance, and i know that seeing me in pain wasn't at all comfortable for him. but to know that he was there to see his granddaughter's debut is something i will always cherish. he'll never have that opportunity again. it was important to me that he have that. it was important for me to have that.

at this point i believe i was having transition contractions and they were long, intense and overwhelming. i remember shaking at this point. shivering maybe is a better way to describe it. i felt as if this was all taking forever. "why is this taking so long?" kristin finally reminded me where i was just a few short hours ago. that it was going at a great pace. and to give myself a break. she was right. less than 7 hours ago, i was 2cm, 50% effaced and having contractions that were 10 minutes apart.

not long after that, i started to make some pushy sounds and felt the pressure down there i had been waiting for. "last time" i felt this, it was time to push. chris and kristin told me to listen to my body but i still felt things were a little off. i tried pushing through the next contraction on my back, but it just wasn't working. which is what happened "last time". and "last time" i got up into the squat position and it all clicked. i tried to do it again, but it wasn't clicking. my water still hadn't broken and i was concerned about this. why had it not broken yet? what was going to happen when it did break? what if it didn't? a contraction came quickly and i panicked. i wasn't ready and i was in between positions. i remember crying and saying "i don't know what to do!" and kristin had me look at her and said that i just needed to get through this contraction and i could change positions. that was comforting. chris said that any time you move positions at this point, it's always overwhelming but that if i did give it a couple contractions i might fall into it. that made me feel better. i did try to fall into it and tried a few more contractions. i said out loud this time that "things weren't clicking" for me and chris suggested she check me (during the next contraction i think) to see what was going on down there. i laid back down in the water and when she checked me she explained that i was at a 9, but not complete. i needed to work through a few more contractions. music to my ears. NOT. chris also said that because this was my second time around, wyatt had paved the way and that things were probably going to go fast and the pressure would be very strong.

the next contraction came and while there was pressure, i could feel her moving down further. i remember keeping my hand on my stomach during a lot of the contractions and knew she was low. this time, i felt her push off from the top of my belly and at same time, felt a sharpish pain in my pelvis. she was working hard. we were working hard together. the next contraction came, and the first half was transition and then before i knew it, i was making the most enormous pushing sound. just like that, my body was telling me we were pushing. my mind hadn't caught up. when i heard i was a 9 a few minutes before (if that) i thought for sure we had a little longer. a contraction and a half later, i was using all of my strength to push this girl out. it was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. it was intense. powerful. i had no control of myself. i was scared. i felt a pop and heard someone say that had been my water breaking but the pressure at that point was so overwhelming, i continued to panic. i felt a bit of that ring of fire, but the pressure outweighed that sensation and honestly there's not a damn thing you can do about it. i just wanted her out. i felt another pop. it was her head. i had to wait to push but i wasn't sure what to do with myself. chris had to ask me to drop my legs down because i was squeezing them up without even knowing it. her sternness scared me. i think i even said that i was scared out loud. was she OK? apparently her elbow was up and chris needed me to use the next contraction to push her out pretty aggressively. apparently i got a grip for long enough to listen to her and with that next contraction, she was here.

at 12:45am, on august 7th, summer james was in my arms. she was greeted with my sobs, others' tears, all of our smiles, excited cheers, a great and very fitting song (embedded below) and magical candle light. getting to this point was hard. but it was perfectly hard.

summer's birth story is about perspective. i walked away from wyatt's birth feeling exhilarated, on top of the world. i was surprised at the strength of my body, proud of the trust i put into it. i also thought it was a pretty easy ho down. this time? not so much. my girl made me work a lot harder - both mentally, and physically. and to say that she was worth it would be the most gigantic understatement. i love her story. i love the distinctness, the difficulty, and the challenge of it all. i love being able to share this story and say that despite the analyzing, the insecurity, the questioning, i still did it. i cooked this little person for 10 moons almost exactly, and i worked my ass off to get her here in the most healthy way possible. i may not have been the most perfectly controlled, modest, politically correct, graceful, polite laboring woman, but i was me. i was vocal and honest, and candid, and i wouldn't have changed anything about it. because at the end of the day, she's here, bringing a completeness to my life i never knew i needed. she fills holes i didn't know i had. she answers questions i didn't know i was asking.

welcome to this world sweet girl. you are perfection. you are the bright, pink, glitter covered puzzle piece our family was missing. thank you for making the wait worth it, this life more fulfilling, and this mama stronger than she gave herself credit for.

Monday, August 12, 2013

this new life

so we're 5 days into this new life of ours. this new, and perfect life. and by perfect i mean full of change, and transition, and newness, and adjusting. a new life of heart bursting moments, and heart wrenching one's too.

it's all amazingly good. and there's a lot i want to share about these first few days. but not a lot of time to do it. we're doing all the things we should be doing right now and every day gets easier and easier. wyatt is surprisingly obsessed with summer. i didn't expect this at all. i thought he was going to be too busy to notice her. he is obsessed. and aggressive. think: of mice and men. it's a tad nerve wracking. for now, here's the last few days in pictures. i've written her birth story, but waiting to include a few pics from our birth photographer before posting.

we've hunkered down and embracing the changes as they've come. we're a team and if i thought i was crazy in love with my husband when wyatt was born, multiply that feeling by infinity this time around. having a toddler while bringing another little person into this life is incredibly different. we've gotten such amazing support from our moms, which we would have died without those first couple of days. our houseful of trucks and cars is now accompanied with accents of pink - burp cloths, swaddlers, binkies, and onesies, scatter this place. it couldn't be more perfect. wyatt seems so big to me. his smile takes up his entire face every morning when he realizes he gets to see the "bebe" and the pure joy coming from that kid is contagious.

we are happy and we know it. sing with me now.

more to come as we continue to learn new things about our family. thank you to everyone for your continued support and love. we can't wait to share our girl with so many of you after we get a bit more settled.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

dear summer james >> pre-game letter

i wrote this to summer about 40 hours before her actual delivery...


daddy took this at 7:15am today. we're ready! 

well, good morning sweet girl. at 41 weeks along, i woke up to a bit of "action" this morning. nothing drastic, or shocking but just enough to let me know you aren't going to stay in there forever. every morning for the last couple of weeks i've woken up, walked to the bathroom, and wondered, is today the day? my water broke on the potty first thing last time, and that's what kick started the day. that's all i really know to expect or look for really. and i kind of just assumed it would happen like that again. every day it's been groundhog's day. nothing. no sign of you. no sign of labor. no "this is it".

until today.

at 6:30am.

i've been having some light contractions for the last several days, but mostly in the evenings. i'd go to bed each night thinking that maybe i'd wake up in a few short hours to some serious contractions and a half a night's sleep. but every morning i'd wake up to the sun and the sounds of your sweet big brother in his room. i'd be bummed, but then grateful for the night's sleep and another day to prepare for your little (or big!) arrival. today i know you're on your way.

you are on your way.


it's not like i haven't had time, like serious time, especially over the last week to prepare for this moment. it's so odd knowing that our first moments are right in front of us now. it's strange to think that even though you've been cooking in there, and that your arrival has been inevitable, it's really not until now that i realize this is it. this is real. you are working in there, and we're about to do this.

and ouch.

i'm going to soak up what little time i have left of what i will call "comfortableness". because oh little love, we're about to work hard to get you here. (i'm actually having a contraction now that is so manageably sweet... little, but strong and noticeable. oh how i wish they could all be like this!) it's weird knowing what to expect with labor now. with your brother, i had no clue. i felt excited and empowered simply by the unknown. today, i sure as hell know how hard this is going to be. i still feel empowered, but the knowing makes it a little bit (or a lot) more daunting.

we can do it.

can't wait to meet you summer james. little girl. littlest love.

love you more than words,
your mama.
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