Monday, October 21, 2013

progress

ten weeks in, i feel it. progress. i can see that little shimmer of light at the end of what previously felt like a dark, unending tunnel. 

this shit is hard. 

and worth it. beyond measure. 

i felt a shift today. i went into today, knowing i'll be on my own all day and all night, with a sense of confidence i haven't had yet. i wasn't worried. i wasn't scared. i didn't get a tightness in my chest. 

i'll never forget the first time i was left alone with both kids. it was at the 3 week mark. exactly three weeks. wyatt had school that wednesday, but i knew i had to go pick him up from school with summer.  the thought of going into the school with a newborn to pick up my 22 month old scared the shit out of me. she was so tiny, and he seemed so large but still so little. it's hard to explain. i needed two more arms. two more hands. he was (and still is) just so over bearing when she's near him. he's quick and rough, and well, almost 2. and a little boy. and i was (and definitely still am at times) hormonal, protective, and insecure. obviously i had done the newborn thing before, but i hadn't done the newborn thing with my little guy. this was a whole new rodeo.  it was only going to be for a few hours. i could do anything for a few hours. right? i texted annie a stream of concerns. it was an outpouring of the fears and insecurities that had been building up all day. you see, up until that point, we'd been two on two. 21 days of balance. i was about to be out numbered and it was all brand new to me. 

it's so funny looking back to that time - now. i was afraid of my own kids. i doubted myself. i was afraid to be alone with them for a few hours. who was that? that was a new mom of two, a version of myself i didn't know. perspective i needed to gain in order to get to right where i am today. 

of course it's not perfect, and i am still a mess. 

but i am less of a mess. i'm a happy mess more of the time. and this, my friends, is what it's all about. i feel strong. and confident. and i know i am a good mom. and every day, i'm learning to be a better mom to these two kids. 

my kids. 


pretty much.

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