Tuesday, September 30, 2014

this is hard.

it's been awhile since i've written, and i wish i could say the only reason is because we've had "such a busy summer", or "i've been working a lot", or "i've taken time to immerse myself into my family"…

the honest truth is this - it's been a hard few months for me. while the warm months have treated us well, we've also been in a time of transition, as a family and individually. there have been several "perfect storms" if you will. and i've been shy to write. probably because i've been processing and analyzing and over thinking a lot. i haven't been ready to go head to head with the reality of my feelings either.

hormonally, the first year since sj's birth has been rough. i haven't quite totally felt like myself for well, two years. well, three years if we're being honest. the whole child birth, first year thing was hard on me. as soon as i wrapped the first year with wyatt and stopped nursing, i wound up pregnant with summer. summer's birth and first year were rougher than expected. of course, we had a great year. we became a family of four, we grew, and we celebrated our family a lot. there were times in the middle, and there still are, where i'm still searching for that piece of me i haven't seen in awhile. glimpses come and go, but i'm still adjusting to our new life. our precious babes, and simply put, being a mom.

being a mom is hard. it's amazing. but it's fucking hard. i don't care what they say, the hard sometimes DOES outweigh the beauty of it all. and it's OK. i am coming to terms with the fact that some days are just harder. some weeks are. and some months are. i live for the moments in between where, even if i am searching for that piece of me i miss so much, i fall in love with my kids on a whole new level. we're getting to know each other every day. i have a multitude of what i call "mom moments". good ones, fine ones, great ones, shitty ones, amazing ones, messy ones, unforgettable ones, and hopefully no unforgivable ones.

i wake up each morning knowing i have another chance to be better. to do better. and i try. really hard. every day. sometimes my best one day is just ok. sometimes my best one day isn't ok at all. the days are made up of these mom moments. but i have to keep telling myself the day isn't, and can't be, defined by just one of those moments. it's a compilation of many. rather than defining my days on one shitty moment, i define my days on the many (or few) amazing moments we had. i make up for the not so great moments in the day, with the very best bedtime routine i can think of. lots of giggles, and kisses, and silly faces. good bedside chats, an extra book, a lingering exit. a reflection of all of the great things we did that day, and all of the things we get to look forward to the next day.

i've been getting flashes of reality. that this is just the beginning. wyatt's not even three, and he already knows how to hurt my feelings. that scares me. i remember hurting my mom's feelings. i remember thinking she didn't care when i did that. i know now, i was dead wrong. #karmaisabitch

it feels good to get this out. and i know that for anyone reading this, some of you get it. some of you understand the roller coaster i'm on. at some point, the ride will be over, and we'll all high five each other because we did it. we got on, buckled up, wound around the twists and turns, found ourselves upside down, laughing, crying, scared, then proud, thrilled, and glad it's over.

i imagine feeling this way during wyatt and summer's college graduations. when i see their little baby faces peeking through those adult ones. where i see the pride they have in themselves, and know that they don't have a clue how much my heart is bursting. when i know that the beauty of it all FAR OUTWEIGHS the hard. when i know that the work paid off, and that we survived. when we reflect on all that got us to this amazing place.

when all of those years flash in front of my eyes. and i think back to how i truly feel right now.

only 20 years left.

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